last week

was a big one.

Four days away,

launches, seminars, meetings and too many flights

and not enough airpoints dollars.

The Southern Alps covered in winter snow

The last meeting I attended was

organised by Rural Women NZ.

Rural Women is an old school organisation that came from

the wives of Federated Farmer's members who were over

sitting around while the men did their talking about important things.

These wives cleaved off to organise themselves into a rather successful lobby group

focusing on rural issues that affect families, women and children.

Effectively the ones that Feds over look.

Rural Women have really made an impact on the

social landscape of rural communities in NZ

with a number of changes in legislation.

The meeting I invited myself to on behalf of Young Farmers

was about animal violence and domestic violence.

So with that in mind the

SPCA, Womens' Refuge, Vet Association and the Police

were also there.

The conversation was long and got side tracked

about SPCA getting a Memorandum of Understanding

with the Police that the Police should take advantage of the newish

animal abuse legislation when they can.

Of course the SPCA want to make the most of the changes

but for domestic violence it's an ideal opportunity

to get supporting evidence if not charges

to stop violence in a home.

The purpose of the meeting was for Rural Women et al

to try and figure out how to make it easier for

women* to leave violent or potentially violent

home environments.

Often the abuser use pets and stock as 'pawns' or 'hostages'

to keep women under their thumbs, afraid and stuck.

How can you leave your animals behind knowing

that they may bear the brunt of your abuser's anger.

Animals in the past have been killed in heinous ways

as a result of domestic violence escapes.

Another thing that came up was that the pattern bruising from a beating

on a corpse of a human and an animal are very similar.

Anyway it was an interesting conversation

that was very impassioned.

As per usual in discussions in the rural sector

there was little discussion about promotion and education.

I would imagine as an abused woman,

I would find it easier to talk about my dog being beaten

than me.

I not sure I would be able to admit I was being beaten.

If my neighbours understood that animal abuse and person abuse

go hand in hand,

then they can have an alarm to ask questions around

to make it easier for the abused to be helped.

After all if a person is willing to punch a cow in the shed

then they are fine with punching the cow in the kitchen.

(that little pearler didn't go over so well when I said it in the meeting).

Rural Women has started to form a plan

and will go back with a structured way of helping women.

Cause that's what they do.

And then I met Jolly Hockeysticks Jo for dinner

and flew home.

On my way home, the south Wairarapa coast

and a big scratch on the outside of the plane window *sigh*

* Obviously Rural Women focus on women but domestic violence has a million different faces and ways of expression.

It's not ok

You may have noticed the badge over on the right here.

It's about family violence

and is sending a strong message that

it's simply Not OK!

A few weeks ago

I participated in the 2012

Rural Womens' Growing Dynamic Leadership course.

One of the subjects that came up for discussion

that effects anyone, anywhere was

family violence.

That's domestic violence, child abuse, elder abuse, sibling abuse

pretty much any relationship you can have has the potential,

with the wrong ingredients to be abusive,

and with the right ingredients wonderful.

Family violence is

verbal, emotional, physical abuse and mental cruelty.

It's controlling, paralysing and frightening.

I think the strongest messages I've picked up

is that family violence is more common than you think.

We all know that people around us behave

differently towards their loved ones behind closed doors,

what we forget is that we turn a blind eye to bad behaviour.

It's not polite to interfere in other's business.

If you think you don't turn a blind eye, 

but you've just never met anyone in abusive relationships,

guess again.

You will have.

For people involved there is lots of shame at allowing themselves

to behave violently or to be on the receiving end,

so they hide it well.

In rural communities, where many families are self-employed,

their businesses are influenced by things beyond their control,

like weather, exchange rates, weather, disease, weather, location, weather

oh yeah, did I say weather?

This combined with many of the businesses being family businesses

reliant on husbands and wives working together

and being responsible for certain areas

plus long hours, kids, community responsibilities, staff,

close quarters and circumstances that are uncontrollable.

These combined with physical isolation

which allows for easy secrecy,

can make for bad ingredients for a bad situation.

For instance a wife who is in an abusive relationship

thinks about transport.

It's really easy to have your car taken away

and shops are miles away,

so food security becomes an issue.

Or if they are responsible for calf raising,

she knows no one will pick up feeding those babies

and they will die.

Or seeking help from family and friends can be difficult

when they are all part of a tightly knit group

and see your partner as a good guy,

he's a fun bloke after all.

These bonds are deep.

Or total opposite,

in the dairy industry, families move often

and it takes time to trust others,

so finding someone to help

when you don't see people as a rule

is really hard.

It's complex

but not irredeemable.

People can turn their lives around.

The first step is for all of us to know

it's not ok

to be abusive in any way.

The second is to pay attention.

The third is to ask people

are they ok?

and mean it.

You might think that family violence happens to other people,

but they thought that too.

Be brave and ask if they are ok.

Be braver and ask if you are ok.

Rural Women

I've just got back from a two day leadership course with Rural Women NZ.

Yes that's the old fashioned,

elderly rural women's advocacy group 

that has been around for ever and ever.

But it's also not.

There were 15 women on my course

the youngest was 27

and the eldest probably 60.

We came from across the country,

though there were a few from Marton and Marlborough.

I was it from Canterbury.

We gathered in Wellington

to listen to some amazing leaders.

We were totally immersed and engaged

in issues facing our rural communities.

We were split into two groups and

asked to do a presentation each.

Our topic was Rural Family Violence.

Fun topic, I know.

We took a good look at ourselves,

our communities and the advantages that being rural

gives to those with abusive tendencies.

Advantages like

isolation and natural community secrecy,

fearce loyality and family connections.

Makes us sound like sixed toed hillbillies.

But we are odd birds in the countryside.

We are super involved in our communities

but hold our cards very close to our chests.

We offer help at every turn

but are not good at asking for it.

We love to be social

but on our own terms,

I call it structured exhibitionism.

We focused on the Are You Ok? website

This campaign is currently running on NZ TV.

But right now I want you to stop and

really think about domestic violence in your community.

Think about it this way.

If you saw a person being hit in their backyard

would you have the courage and the awareness

to do something about it?

You'd be surprised who doesn't.

It's surprising how the question

Are you OK?

helps.